Living Without Carcinogens

For the last 10 days I’ve been in an unusually dark place for me. I’ve always been an optimist. Lately, I just felt licked.

The last time I wrote I was talking about my new boarder’s and my cash flow issues. Francesco has been a bright spot in a sea of bad news. He moved in on Dec. 21st. I had to buy a bed because as the kids, and nannies moved out, the beds went with them to insure no one would come back. It’s not meant to sound as cold as that, but when I say I love my solitude, I really mean it. So the kid took the downstairs room (meant for a housekeeper) and transformed it in a way I never imagined and I’ve been living here 30 years. He took a framed 11×14 picture of my father out of the closet in the room, hung it, put black sheets on the bed and suddenly this “too familiar” room became avant garde. It was like I hired a decorator. At the time, I had another 24 year old kid staying with me. Both of us were in awe of his use of no space. Fran made the tiniest bedroom in the house look big.

Moving on..about a week after Fran moves in I get a call from my older daughter’s husband saying that her father had died. On the heels of my younger daughter’s father dying, we talked about how to broach this to Olivia, my older daughter. More perplexing was that the poor guy had checked into a San Francisco hospital on October 4 and, not wanting to burden anyone, had not given any name in case of an emergency. I didn’t even know you could do that. I thought you had to put someone/anyone down! Cris, O’s husband, was a little afraid to tell me the next bit. Billy, my ex/Olivia’s father, had died 10 days after Gabrielle’s father and we were just finding out on December 29. The poor guy had been sitting on ice for two months while the coroners office tried to find next of kin! At first I was angry, crap, with zabasearch and everything else, it took them over two months to find family? An ambulance had picked him up at the family home…so shit, ask the neighbors. Then I was grateful. They could have cremated him with a bunch of other people. GOD, what a thought!

A few days later, I had to take Gaby to the airport at midnight. She was taking a semester in London and wouldn’t be home for nine months. I felt like I was watching the curtain come down at the last performance of my favorite play. The next day, I decided to clean up her room, which at first made me so sad. With the dogs running around and I had heard Francesco’s car leave (you can hear it for miles-he didn’t realize it’s against the law not to have a muffler!) so I started singing to the dogs. They all have their own theme songs, so I hit the whole repertoire. Cleaning and singing, I suddenly felt a lightness I hadn’t felt in months, so I started to sing with more bravado in the dogs’ imagined accents and patois. My audience adored me-they knew I was putting a show on for them so I started singing , cleaning and dancing with 7 dogs behind me. It all felt so good, I felt a burp coming on, so I let ‘er rip with a couple of farts punctuating my music. With a huge trash bag of junk, I made a trip outside to throw it out, passing Fran’s room. The sliding glass door to the backyard was open and I thought, “That’s weird. He knows to keep everything shut because a dog could end up in his black sheets”. As I went to close it, I noticed Francesco, flush to the wall on his bed. Trying to make himself as inconspicuous as possible, he looked like a period at the end of the sentence. I asked him how long he’d been there. “The ole time,” (Italians don’t have the “H” sound) he muffled a laugh. THE WHOLE TIME??? “Yes, I especially like it when you sing in your usky voice.” I didn’t have time to think about “the husky voice” which was embarrassing enough, I was worried about the farts! Something he still pretends he didn’t hear…

Over the years of living with these two father’s (because once you have a child with someone you’re stuck with them forever) there are things about them, things said and done that I could bet the house on. So last week when I realized something which had been in place for 20 years for education was suddenly not there when it was really needed and expected, it was like getting a karate chop in the solarplexus that I couldn’t shake.I cried nonstop for 2 days. Francesco’s answer to everything is “MANGIA”. The more I cried, the more sauce he made. I couldn’t eat. I felt like a stupid fucking idiot. I’d let my daughter down.I should have protected her. I’ve never been suicidal-ever. For the first time, I really got it. I felt like everyone would be better off without me. If I could let this happen…a lesson I’d already learned once-I was a real shmo. Part of living without carcinogens is trying to be stress free. Extremely difficult, no matter who you are. I’m great at making lemonades out of lemons, but this was one that I couldn’t spin. I told anyone who knew anything that I was fine, but I wasn’t. Instead of distance making things better, each day got worse.

Until tonight. Tonight, I experienced something that my college friend Pat Resnick talks about alot…how art effects us/changes us. I’m not as eloquent as she is but, simply put, I saw a film  that allowed me to put the travails of my life aside and move on. I could actually feel myself become myself again-my cells changed. Completely unexpected, because I had become an invalid in 10 days time, it took me the whole day to get myself into shape to go. I saw people there that I used to work with who I still care about. I invited an old friend, who works at Playtone, so I couldn’t back out at the last minute. He was blubbering through the last 20 minutes of TEMPLE GRANDIN while I became more joyful/elated with each minute. I was back to being myself.

Please see it. If you have kids (tape it for the young ones to see later), it will empower them. For myself, I’m grateful to writer (director’s) like Christopher Monger (and my Friend Pat R.) for getting me out of my head.

After all this, if I have misspelled the fucking title…

Through his first month in this house, this kid, this boarder has been unruffled over my wailing, sobbing, up all night pacing. I realized, it doesn’t bother him because he has family and we all go through shit. Right?

I surprised myself today when I begged a friend to wait, even one more week, before starting chemo tomorrow. Why one week? I figured between my doctor and myself, we could talk him out of compromising his immune system in that way. When he told me that his last of 15 doctors (all had misdiagnosed him) had contacted Lance Armstrong’s doctor to get a second opinion and his opinion was that it was unnecessary to rush into chemo and that alternatives should be investigated. I was surprised. Historically, testicular cancer has been one of the cancer’s that is eradicated with chemo. Hmmm. Lately I have noticed, although I am no expert, that cancer seems to have morphed. I used to always hear about people who went into remission and it never came back. I never hear that anymore. In fact, I’ve heard that the cancer ate the chemo for lunch. I’m sorry if this is scary, it is!

Back to the begging. So I did everything I could, to get my friend to move in with me even, so I could put him through the Gerson protocol, which has stopped a dear friend’s breast cancer DEAD in it’s tracks!!! Not for the faint of heart, it takes a committed, tough buster to do it, but it works. Atleast it worked on her and hundreds of others. Put it this way, the success ratio has been 85%. I know it’s not that high with chemo anymore. But, it’s raw fruit juices, oatmeal, soups, potatoes, all organic. I think, given the right tools, your body will try to right itself. Anyway…

More about Francesco, the Italian boarder tomorrow!

A couple of months ago,I had a personal loss that made me rethink my priorities, as losses will do. In fact there was a”perfect storm” of events. It all started when my daughter decided to do a documentary about the cancer patients she helps with Covering All Care for Kids, her non profit. Without exception, in the last 3-4 years, everyone’s cancer came back. I found this shocking because every kid I’d ever known growing up had lived (and is living still!). I couldn’t help obsessing about “why”. Almost immediately, my daughter got these gnarly bruises, like she’d been beaten, all over her body. Literally, 6 to 7 thousand $ later, (one blood test at St. John’s Hospital, just a blood draw to check her platelets, cost 1500K!) she was diagnosed with an idiopathic blood disorder. Idiopathic means they don’t know where it comes from or why, you fucking idiot. The third incident, the loss of her father, has been more devastating than I ever imagined.

Anyway, I told you to purge the “pain” (ha-ha), I went on a rigorous cleanse, which I’m still on. I have to chronical in a separate blog my daily progress, which has been crazy. I have never been on any diet where I could have unlimited potatoes, oatmeal and rye bread. This is a diet for cancer patients, I reiterate, because I find it too good to be true. Ofcourse, I say this now that the nausea, like I was pregnant, the achy muscles and tight joints from detoxing,  have subsided (at least at the moment). If weight loss is what you’re after, this is a fabulous way to go because you are floating, you are so full of goodness 24/7. Really! If it’s prevention or living toxin-free and without carcinogens, this is it. Trust me, it is NOT for the faint of heart! It is time intensive because you have to prepare and eat every hour of the day! (Did I mention coffee enema’s 3X a day? No?) And, you have to give yourself an enema 3x’s a day. Yes, you do feel lighter and younger after but that doesn’t diminish the fact that you are sticking a hose up your ass! All of this made me get more in touch with my spiritual side and I decided, to get through this,I would have to “up” my spiritual practice orn I wouldn’t be able to keep it up. It’s funny, even though you feel better and you know everything going in your mouth is beyond healthy, there is till that little voice telling you it’s ok to be bad. The other major issue, ifyou’re like me, is you can kiss parties, Thanksgiving and Xmas good-bye, in terms of eating and hanging out…the temptations are too great.

With all this going on, and me packing an igloo full of food and drink every time I leave the house, I decided to go back to school to get my master’s degree. I’m getting my certification in drug and alcohol counseling and I’m getting my master’s in Health Education, because after the last 3 months, a lot of people need education, me included. It’s been a LONG time since I enrolled in anything academic. You’d think that with the internet the application/registration process would have become streamlined and easy. HELL, NO! There are still the long lines, people in advisory capacities that know next to nothing. It was as though I was from a foreign country. In fact, I felt sorry for foreigners. Nothing was synching up! So when I realized I would probably have to go back to school a sixth time to get some answers, I was dismayed and second guessed my decision. I decided I had to go to my department major, Health Sciences, to get some advice. (The night before, I happened to see on the website that I may need to take the GRE, and I about keeled over!) I had not signed up for this!!!!! Of course the person I was meeting, was not there. Before long, a very young, jovial man bounced in to the office and jokingly asked me if I was his 2:30.I opened my mouth to say something and he held out his hand, “I’m Mario.”

It turns out Mario aka The Messiah, was the head of the Dept, a PHD, and possibly the only  helpful person on my journey to date. Keep you posted!

I had the choice of taking crop rotation or human waste reclamation and recycling today. Because this farming system is a “closed” system i.e. once up and running you are completely sustainable and don’t have to get anything (and I really mean ANYTHING) off your farm property postage stamp. Considering this, and knowing that human waste is the highest and purest form of compostable material, I stopped “thinking” about it as pee and poo (GAG) and sat down. The first thing I learned, is that pee has the highest form of organic potassium that you can put on your soil. There are no known forms of organic potassium that you can supplement your soil with. Because pee also comes out sanitary and supposedly sterile, it’s an ideal composting resource. Poo is a different thing because of worms and other gross things  people have creeping around their toxic bodies.

As I was learning about the various ways to recycle excrement and because I’m OCD, I started making a list in my head of who’s pee and poo I wouldn’t mind using in my garden, if mankind gets to that point in my lifetime. First on the list, my best friend’s Karen and Chris. I know their diet. And truthfully, I don’t mean to be gross, but their pee and poo is practically edible. They are vegan, organic and the purest eaters I know. Next on the list would have to be Susan and Mindy. They are also vegan and don’t drink alcohol or coffee. I would want their “stuff ” on my compost heap. I was surprised how short the list is. The last three people whose (you know what) I wouldn’t mind putting on my growing food is Marilu’s and the sister’s who own my gym, RPM, Cynthia and Karen. Not only do these three eat light, everything is judiciously thought about before eaten. The bottom line with everyone on “My Pee and Poo Composting List” is these people would rather starve than put anything in their mouth that doesn’t conform to their diet regimen. I don’t know anyone else like this. They are the definition of CONTROL!

Things I’m sorry I missed on this trip are the Redwoods, which are an hour away and Fort Bragg, which is on the coast. I am actually so sorry I didn’t drag my girlfriend Karen, a few dogs and drive up here…it is so beautiful. If I didn’t have commitments at home, I would have definitely stayed a few more days.

It has also been oddly relaxing not having service here and being unreachable.

Driving to San Fran Airport at 4 am.

An extra bonus to being in this beautiful place is that the class is being held at the farm where Seabiscuit lived. The house is covered with memorabilia, his saddle and bridle. So along with understanding why my beans never cultivated over the summer, getting new “open pollinated” seeds, and getting some quinoa seeds from one of the teachers to try in our warmer climate (quinoa is a perfect protein…unlike other grains and legumes it doesn’t need to be combined with anything to make it complete), I’ve been able to stand next to Seabicuit’s grave. There are a few of us who love horses here and we’re outside looking at the likeness of him at his gravesite whenever there’s a free minute.

Today was such a long day, from 8 until 8, that I had to cut out early. I have this weird idiosyncrasy that was, unfortunately, passed onto my daughters; I can only crap in my own toilet! The great thing about my detox (except when you’re out of town), is with all the vegetable juice and apples you’re eating, you have to GO all the time! Big problem with 2 more days-so I had to leave before the “networking”  dinner because I had the worst gas. I had to tell everyone that I was leaving because I have night blindness and wouldn’t be able to drive back to the motel after the sun set!

The good news is I have lots of new ammo for the parents of  the cancer patients I deal with who think protein only comes from meat or dairy.  If nothing else, I know I can at least convince them to plant an organic vegetable garden. John Jeavons who runs this program says it takes 40 years for a new idea to  permeate the fabric of our lives. Hopefully, it won’t take that long.

I’ve been planting a small summer garden for the last several years. This year I actually took a course in organic gardening and failed miserably at it. My crop was worse than when I knew nothing. I planted 3 crops of various beans, for instance,  and got one bean. When I became interested-last January-in the detox I’m ATTEMPTING to do right right now, I ordered a book from the Gerson (my detox and diet for cancer patients) website called “How To Grow More Vegetables-on less land than you ever imagined” by John Jeavons. I gave the book to my best friend because It was wayyy too technical for me. I’m the kind of person that if I have to read the manual to make something work or build it…I won’t do it-Not Interested!

My organic gardening teacher, Marta Teegen, suggested various seed catalogues. Among them was Bountiful Garden, which also had classes in mini-farming, which is where I am right now. If you’re interested go to www.growbiointensive.org. The class takes place in Willits, Ca, which is the gateway to the Redwoods and the closest I’ve come to Swiss Alps in the US. My interest in taking the class is not just for me, but to teach the parents of CAC’s young cancer patients that they can grow organic, even in a container, involve their kid’s and be more healthy.

It took me 5 hours to drive a 2 hour trip  yesterday because my GPS went haywire, but I wasn’t unhappy. I saw so much of the Russian River and Mendocino County that by the time I got to Willits, I thought I could live here and be extremely happy…a sentiment that is more pronounced after the first day of this course.

John Jeavons himself is teaching. A Yale grad, he has dedicated his life to teaching people across 5 continents how to turn sand into “the loaves and the fishes”, literally. I learned today that by 2025, we will be out of land to sustain the world population. With this method your garden becomes it’s own eco-system. You raise, with no space, crops to compost, as well as, enough “diet crops” to fulfill all your dietary needs throughout  a year. I have 2 more days and intend, if I have the strength(because I almost teetered down the terraced hillside this afternoon with this detox), to start double digging my yard when I get home. Did I also say you also make your own seeds?

I’ve heard a lot about how the Gerson Protocol can cure cancer. I started seriously considering taking the step to detox after my daughter interviewed several of the recipients of her non profit, Covering All Care. Without exception, all of their cancer had come back, which I thought was unusual, considering kids’ recovery rate is so much higher than adults. I started thinking about why this was. Besides the obvious, all I could think of was diet. You can pull the weed, but unless you change the fertilizer, the weed is going to come back.

Then, Gaby came back from vacation this summer with a rare blood disorder called Idiopathic Thromboceptipenic  Purpura. She had never been sick so when she showed up with a platelet level of 20K (normal is 150-450K), I was scared and alarmed. Probably the best decision I made was to take her to two homeopaths. One is an MD, the other a chiropractor with spirit guides…and the only one to connect all the dots. Gaby also went to a world renowned hematologist. She was furious that I had taken her to someone who was speaking to people that weren’t in the room (PS Dr. Carl has never spoken to a spirit when treating me!). She has always been more of a skeptic about eastern medicine, so when the world renowned hematologist suggested steroids, she said she would try them. Armed with $150 medication to simmer her stomach down which was NOT covered by her Anthem/Blue Cross PPO, she took the steroids for exactly 1 day. In that day, she said she could feel the weight (8lbs. to be exact) attaching itself to her frame. Since she hadn’t eaten anything akin to a  whole chocolate cake, in fact she had judiciously watched what she ate, she decided to drop the steroids like a hot potato. She had already started the drops, herbs and teas put together with a mortar and pestle by the doctor with spirit guides and they were working.

Armed with a set of Medic Alert jewelry, she returned to college. I’m not an idiot-I know she took the holistic meds catch as catch can, but her platelets did come back slowly at the rate of 10K a week. What I do know is that the ,side effects of steroids, one of two therapies for ITP, are far reaching, carcinogenic and effect all the organs. The other therapy is homeopathy and using your noggin about what you eat and how you live.

Once she had gone to school, I signed up for bio-intensive farming course in Northern California. Last summer I had attempted to grow all of my vegetables in the back yard. Everything had grown, but lots of things didn’t fruit, like my beans and broccoli. I wanted to become more sustainable and live more off the land. Over the summer the DWP sealed my fate when it dropped water usage to 2 days a week. My grass turned into straw and I started to wonder, why couldn’t I turn the backyard into a mini farm?

When Gaby’s father died at 77 on October 13th, I had always thought he was older. His sister died when she was 90. I don’t want to have regrets but I do regret not acting on my impulse to see him 2 weeks before he died when the urge had come. Unfortunately, every time I got the urge I became distracted by a phone call or something, so I hadn’t seen him. My friend Susan told me once that when you have unfinished business with someone who dies, you carry on talking to them in the grave. my unfinished business was that even though he was not the man I concieved this child with, I was still in love with him. Even though he looked way older than his years, he still moved me.

So a week after his memorial, I started this rigorous detox. My original reason for doing it was to be able to help cancer patients, to be able to let them know what to expect. Now, I just want to purge myself of my sorrow. Wash away the last two months like they never happened. Impossible. Nauseous which Dr. Stillings gleefully said, “It’s working!”, exhausted from emotion that I haven’t wanted to show, I will be the first one to say I’m no saint. By the time I master the detox, which is 3 mos for me and 2 years for cancer patients who haven’t compromised their immune systems with chemo, radiation or meds, I will stray a little. For God’s sake, I decided to do this with the holiday’s looming. I’m at m,y farming class, so when I return, I will post (coffee enema’s and all) my daily protocol.

Now, on to the farming!!!

Today Gaby’s father died. It’s not like it wasn’t expected, but it wasn’t. Before I’d heard, I searched for one of his sweaters (he had just given Gab a bunch of old sweaters because they didn’t fit) because it’s raining. You know, it’s oversized, cashmere and swallows you up. I know this has happened to everyone, but last night I couldn’t sleep all night…now I know why. Isn’t it weird how connected all of us are. Gaby is back east and was taking a train to Manhattan and for some reason the thought crossed her mind that she hoped her Dad was OK because she’s in NY and so is her half-brother. A couple minutes later Peter called her.

This morning when I suggested that I’d like to try living off the fruits (and vegetables) of my garden an outpouring of shock and horror came from my facebook friends. My mother died of Parkinson’s (and colon complications), but thoroughly researched how someone (herself), who had exercised on a daily basis, eaten organic, never drank alcohol or smoked-could end up in such dire straits. Her hypothesis (which was not what the MD’s told her) was that she was too protein dominant.

Interestingly, and not unrelated, is how people feel that they get calcium from dairy. On the contrary, dairy products create acid in your system which causes bones to erode like swiss cheese, not build up! How do I know this? My own studies because I have osteoporosis (literal translation…porous bones) and at 43 discovered I had lost 35% of my hips. This came as quite a shock because I exercise vociferously and eat better than most of the americans. The latest studies (which the dairy industry-and our gov’t-doesn’t want us to know about because the selling point for dairy consumption is “but where am I going to get my Calcium?”) conclude that if we want strong bones we should eat like cows (or how cow’s used to eat before the beef industry started giving them their recycled cousins …yeah, cow eating cow…Gross!, which lead to Mad Cow virus, among other things. But, I digress, sorry!)…LEAFY GREENS are the most potent form of calcium, preferably organic.

Back to the original topic. What made my dear beloved friends go doozy-potsy was-if all I’m eating is fruits and vegetables, where will I get my protein? FROM THE FRUITS AND VEGETABLES!!! An interesting side note-One of my best friend’s has been on the Gerson Protocol since December, which is juicing, milling soups and baked potatoes (I’m simplifying) and she looks amazing. She’s thin, which my vet said the only one of my dogs who is in good weight is my Pit Bull (she looks like a Whippet) who I have to beg to eat, making me wonder, wouldn’t it be healthier for us to be thinner as we get older instead of fatter? Back to my friend…she looks better, feels better, her teeth are white, white, white, as are her eyes. Her hair is thicker than it’s ever been and she always happy (she could be a real sour puss on occasion before Gerson). Here’s the rub-she has incredible discipline and self-control; never cheating, never deviating. My mother always told me that discipline and hard work are the cornerstone to success; and I believe that. Really! Every day I wake up and tell myself I’m going to try to be more like my friend. Even though I don’t drink anymore and I find that the less I allow myself, somehow, the more freedom I have-I haven’t gotten over that desire to be bad (The Yum Yum doughnut episode in my previous blog!)… where my dear friend is sheer perfection and a pillar of strength in her conviction. God, why can’t I be more like her!

Todays, harvest yield  was 3 tomatoes and a plethora of grapefruits! Just because I’m curious and I like a challenge, I’m going to see if I can live off the “fat” of my land! So, for my younger friends who told me the Gandhi bit is overkill, I strive  to be more like Gandhi and not just in diet! I’m going to try doing this whilst giving up TV and news for 1 week (I’m a total over the top news junky!)! Keep you posted, no pun intended.

I’ve been primarily vegetarian my whole life. About a year ago I became a vegan. I really hadn’t been a huge cheese eater for years…but the idea that I couldn’t have eggs (or egg whites) Ghee (clarified butter) was more sringent and difficult than I could imagine (not to mention cream, and I mean heavy whipping, and sugar in my coffee).

Because of the whole water crisis in California, I started looking at my lawn like an energy (and money) drain. Literally at that moment, my dear friend, Karen Montgomery told me about a woman who teaches Organic Vegetable Gardening in raised beds or pots…I was in!

If you are interested in growing your own veggies in no space, and I mean it, please go to www.homegrownlosangeles.com.

I have never been able to grow anything from a seed and now I’ve got Lima beans varieties of squash, string beans, lettuces, fennel, pumpkin, onions,and cantaloupe which came out in 1 week (sounds unbelievable, I didn’t believe it myself!) I also have several varieties of tomatoes growing in pots like Purple Cherokee, Green Zebra, etc.